Us vs. The Problem: Communicating Conflict with Grace

Before getting married, Dennis and I talked about how we would handle conflict in our marriage. We both agreed that we would give each other space when needed—but not let things linger too long—and then come back together to process them. We committed to communicating our concerns and working toward better, more peaceful resolutions. We knew that coming from different backgrounds and cultures would naturally bring differences into our relationship.

Did we have disagreements and fights in the nine months we’ve been married? Oh yes, we did—especially during the first two months as we were adjusting to each other.

What were those fights about? For one, we had agreed on something regarding budgeting, but it turned out we were not actually on the same page—even after discussing it. It wasn’t really about spending; it was more about the bookkeeping. We also had a disagreement over something as simple as a tissue paper not being refilled in the bathroom—and the frustrations that came with it. Small things, but real moments.

During arguments, we sometimes said things we shouldn’t have—out of anger, impatience, or frustration. But we remind ourselves: we are not fighting each other; we are addressing the situation.

We also discovered that we process conflict differently. I tend to go quiet and think things through, while Dennis prefers to talk things out immediately—he wants to resolve it right away. When I stay quiet, he sometimes feels that I’m expressing anger toward him, when in reality, I just need stillness so I don’t say something that might make things worse.

So how do we manage his “let’s talk about it now” approach and my “give me time” approach?

Prayer.

I bring everything to God first—my anger, my frustration, even my tears. When I feel calm and settled, that’s when we come together to talk. Dennis, on the other hand, is very sensitive to when something is off. He can easily sense when something isn’t right with my heart or spirit, and he will gently ask me about it. He shares his thoughts, listens, and meets me where I am.

When he sees me hurt or crying, he explains his side and then comforts me—often with a hug, and sometimes, with tears of his own. Yes, the big man cries when he sees that I am hurting. And honestly, that makes me appreciate him even more. His sincerity, his humility in saying, “I don’t promise I’ll always get it right because I’m human, but I will try”—that means so much.

Those efforts matter. They are real. And they help us grow.

Because of that, when similar concerns come up, we are a little wiser in how we handle them. We also learned something very important—once an issue is resolved, we choose not to go back to it.

We don’t bring it up again to win another argument or reopen old wounds. We forgive, and we let it go. Forgive and forget is possible in a relationship when grace is present. It protects our peace and strengthens our trust in each other.

And I think we’ve grown. In the past seven months, we haven’t had a disagreement that escalated into a fight.

Grace, communication, and a whole lot of prayer—that’s what’s carrying us through.